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Wednesday, August 19, 2009

evening commute
wipers keep time with the radio
children skip in the rain
at
Author Archive

2 comments:

John McDonald said...

nice movement
john

August 19, 2009
Pan Haiku Review said...

.
I really love the energy!

evening commute
wipers keep time with the radio
children skip in the rain

I think there's slightly too many images happening, with "evening commute"; "wipers keeping time"; "children skipping in the rain"; and "the radio".

What about reducing at least one thing?

Wipers suggest raining e.g.

evening commute
wipers keep time
with the radio

evening commute-
(car) wipers keeping up
with skipping children


all my best,
Alan
With Words
.

August 19, 2009

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