Summer Haiku 2009

Thursday, July 9, 2009

summer break
I sense the silent ticking
of the hotel wall clock
it's the same place
but without you

Beatrice V said...: Very mournful, and very powerful Vic.; July 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: .
Excellent!

I wonder if you need to use 'silent'?

summer break
I sense the ticking
of the hotel wall clock
it's the same place
but without you

Alan; July 10, 2009
Vic Gendrano said...: Thanks Alan. Yes, I can remove silent, but I purposely used it to highlight the loneliness of the character without his loved one. Alert emotions engulfed his sleeplessness, sensing but not actually hearing the ticking of the clock and trying to hurry the passage of the night.; July 10, 2009
Area 17 said...: I understand what you are saying, but it's because I have such trust in your writing that it comes across.

There are strong experiences of silence between clocks ticking as much as 'silent' ticking clocks being (almost) heard.

Your writing is fine enough not to need it spelled out.

BTW what an utterly beautiful piece of prose you wrote. It belongs in a haibun or another tanka.

"...the loneliness of the character without his loved one. Alert emotions engulfed his sleeplessness, sensing but not actually hearing the ticking of the clock and trying to hurry the passage of the night.

Beautiful beautiful breathtaking prose.

.; July 10, 2009