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Thursday, July 9, 2009

summer break
I sense the silent ticking
of the hotel wall clock
it's the same place
but without you

4 comments:

Beatrice V said...

Very mournful, and very powerful Vic.

Alan Summers said...

.
Excellent!

I wonder if you need to use 'silent'?

summer break
I sense the ticking
of the hotel wall clock
it's the same place
but without you


Alan

Vic Gendrano said...

Thanks Alan. Yes, I can remove silent, but I purposely used it to highlight the loneliness of the character without his loved one. Alert emotions engulfed his sleeplessness, sensing but not actually hearing the ticking of the clock and trying to hurry the passage of the night.

Alan Summers said...

I understand what you are saying, but it's because I have such trust in your writing that it comes across.

There are strong experiences of silence between clocks ticking as much as 'silent' ticking clocks being (almost) heard.

Your writing is fine enough not to need it spelled out.

BTW what an utterly beautiful piece of prose you wrote. It belongs in a haibun or another tanka.

"...the loneliness of the character without his loved one. Alert emotions engulfed his sleeplessness, sensing but not actually hearing the ticking of the clock and trying to hurry the passage of the night.

Beautiful beautiful breathtaking prose.

.