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Sunday, July 26, 2009

tiny flowers
and caterpillars
among fennel's liquorice leaves

2 comments:

Alan Summers said...

Hi Rachel,

Really nice. ;-)

I don't think you need all the adjectives.

tiny flowers
and caterpillars
among fennel's liquorice leaves


As fennel are liquorice(ish) you can leave that out (it's unsaid in negative space) and "among" makes both the last line over long and detracts from what is a really good haiku. ;-)

Consider starting with fennel and zoom into the details and the keen observational magic is better emphasised.

I've really enjoyed reading this poem!!!


fennel leaves
the tiny flowers
and caterpillars


.

Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you Alan.

You're teaching me a great deal. Thank you.