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Sunday, July 26, 2009

tiny flowers
and caterpillars
among fennel's liquorice leaves
at
Author Archive

2 comments:

Area 17 said...

Hi Rachel,

Really nice. ;-)

I don't think you need all the adjectives.

tiny flowers
and caterpillars
among fennel's liquorice leaves

As fennel are liquorice(ish) you can leave that out (it's unsaid in negative space) and "among" makes both the last line over long and detracts from what is a really good haiku. ;-)

Consider starting with fennel and zoom into the details and the keen observational magic is better emphasised.

I've really enjoyed reading this poem!!!


fennel leaves
the tiny flowers
and caterpillars

.

July 26, 2009
Rachel Green said...

Thank you Alan.

You're teaching me a great deal. Thank you.

July 27, 2009

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