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Thursday, August 6, 2009

.
washed and wrung dry

hung on the washing line -discoloured

--sunset, after the rain
.

3 comments:

Alan Summers said...

Hey, I love the jazzed up version! ;-)

What a lively and engaging poem, and way to present it. More! ;-)

washed and wrung dry
hung on the washing line -discoloured
--sunset, after the rain


I think you could reduce the haiku a little further.

washed and wrung dry
on the washing line
--sunset, after the rain


.

Beatrice V said...

Yes, I love it, more succint (which I tried similarly) But, it then relies a bit more on the visual discolouration (which was actually an afterthought!).. do you think it would still be effective, if read in the shorter version, without the 'visual effects'?

Alan Summers said...

.
That's the thing with haiku, what to leave out what to leave in.

I'm still learning that one! ;-)

Maybe you could have one as a tanka, and one as a haiku?

e.g.

discoloured
washed and wrung dry
on the washing line
sunset
after the rain

me,
washed and wrung dry
(hung) on the washing line
- discoloured

the sunset
after rain


the sunset
after rain
me, washed and wrung dry
(hung) on the washing line
- discoloured


Then there is nothing wrong with three line tanka. Contemporary women tanka writers don't always follow the perceived rules.

I highly recommend "A Long Rainy Season:

Leza Lowitz website

Stonebridge Press

A Long Rainy Season is a marvellous book, and the first that Leza brought out. She's also a Facebook friend. ;-)

Alan