Hey, I love the jazzed up version! ;-)What a lively and engaging poem, and way to present it. More! ;-)washed and wrung dryhung on the washing line -discoloured--sunset, after the rainI think you could reduce the haiku a little further.washed and wrung dryon the washing line--sunset, after the rain.
Yes, I love it, more succint (which I tried similarly) But, it then relies a bit more on the visual discolouration (which was actually an afterthought!).. do you think it would still be effective, if read in the shorter version, without the 'visual effects'?
.That's the thing with haiku, what to leave out what to leave in. I'm still learning that one! ;-)Maybe you could have one as a tanka, and one as a haiku?e.g.discolouredwashed and wrung dryon the washing line sunset after the rainme,washed and wrung dry(hung) on the washing line - discolouredthe sunset after rainthe sunset after rainme, washed and wrung dry(hung) on the washing line - discolouredThen there is nothing wrong with three line tanka. Contemporary women tanka writers don't always follow the perceived rules.I highly recommend "A Long Rainy Season:Leza Lowitz websiteStonebridge PressA Long Rainy Season is a marvellous book, and the first that Leza brought out. She's also a Facebook friend. ;-)Alan
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