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Autumn 2009 @ our new website The Four Seasons of Haiku

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

evening commute
wipers keep time with the radio
children skip in the rain

2 comments:

John McDonald said...

nice movement
john

Alan Summers said...

.
I really love the energy!

evening commute
wipers keep time with the radio
children skip in the rain


I think there's slightly too many images happening, with "evening commute"; "wipers keeping time"; "children skipping in the rain"; and "the radio".

What about reducing at least one thing?

Wipers suggest raining e.g.

evening commute
wipers keep time
with the radio


evening commute-
(car) wipers keeping up
with skipping children


all my best,
Alan
With Words
.