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Friday, August 21, 2009

a hawthorn -
like little red apples
in the rain

6 comments:

Alan Summers said...

Love it!

weblink: Hawthorn

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition
.

Dennis Tomlinson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis Tomlinson said...

Great, but I think the meaning will be clearer if I alter it to:

hawthorn fruit
like little red apples
in the rain

Alan Summers said...

Hi Dennis!

Not sure about that, as fruit and apples seem repetition.

What about:

hawthorn
little red apples
in the rain

weblink:
little red apples

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.

martin said...

Hi Dennis,

I enjoyed your poem and like Alan's suggestion. I looked up the Hawthorn
not being familiar with it and have a response to what I read and saw:

autumn chill
the hawthorn’s fruit collects
with the rain

I found the fruit interesting and emphasized more its comparison with the rain. Excuse me for attempting to illustrate my problem with openness in a haiku on your spot. However, the reason I’m doing this is to have a better understanding on how much room to leave the reader to explore that moment. Your poem, the way I understand it, is wide open. My attempt is narrower. I question both and don’t even know if either poem is a haiku. I know this blog is not a forum, but I thought I’d ask you and anyone else about it.

Thanks,

martin

Dennis Tomlinson said...

Hi Martin,

I like your haiku too, which shows an interesting change of emphasis. Although my poem grew out of a particular observation, it can evidently - and legitimately - be interpreted in different ways. I eventually settled on the wording:

a hawthorn
little red apples
in the rain

I looked anew at the solitary hawthorn tree that stands prominently in the yard at my workplace and I thought of the fruitfulness of nature. The feeling was a warm one in spite of the raindrops, though 'autumn chill' is already on its way.

I hope this is informative!

Dennis