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Saturday, August 1, 2009

on the lawn
around three candles they talked
late into the night

10 comments:

Alan Summers said...

The poem intrigues me, but who are the people you call "they"?

on the lawn
around three candles they talked
late into the night


I'd love to know more! ;-)

I think you could reconsider "on the" e.g.


three candles
we talked
late into the night



three candles
late into the night
we talked



night picnic
through all three candles
we talked



lawn picnic
we talked through
three candles


I can't do it justice, but there is a stronger poem that can come out of this.

Alan

martin said...

lawn table
faces in the candle light

diana l. said...

Yes, it is intriguing. I like having a clear sense of place and imagine them sitting directly on the grass, like young college or high school students. Am I on the right track?

David said...

Place is almost always where I start from with these poems. Don't you?

You are right diana. This was my daughter and new friends on Friday night.

Alan Summers said...

Place is always good to establish, but I was curious who 'they' were, and sitting on the grass, yet having candles, quite piqued my curiosity.

Was this a University party on the grounds maybe?

Alan

David said...

Great show on the fourth plinth Alan. You and the words and all the people behind the words came over really well.

My daughter and me had dinner with a load of people from our church on the old vicarage lawn. I lit three large candles and stuck them in the ground away from all the diners.

She is fourteen and got chatting to a couple of girls the same age also from the church. They don't know each other very well.

It was great to leave them all chatting on one of our rare Surrey dry and warm summer evenings.

It felt odd sending you one word Alan. But it is good to ponder a word for a while.

Best wishes

David

Alan Summers said...

.
I love the account of the event! ;-)

You might have to tell the truth as if it's a lie e.g.

teenage picnic
three large candles
stick in the ground


David: "It felt odd sending you one word Alan. But it is good to ponder a word for a while.

It's surprising how well it went, and how so many poets were disciplined to give one important word and give precise and very moving comments to complement the important word.

Alan’s Fourth Plinth webpage

Alan's BBC interview

Thank you david for your important word! ;-)

Alan

jem said...

I quite like the ambiguity in this, it allowed me to flesh out the bones to create my own story.

diana l. said...

I've been thinking about your comment about "place", David. I guess I hadn't quite thought about haiku in this way before, but rather just felt it.

Alan Summers said...

Hi Diana,

Yes, place is an important aspect of a lot of poetry, and a useful technique to use sometimes with haiku.

dusk at the golf club
part of a marker pole
a tawny frogmouth


nightjar family

1st Prize
Fellowship of Australian Writers, Queensland, Haiku Competition (1995)

Moonlighting Intimations Pamphlet Series, pub. British Haiku Society, (1996)

Azami #38, Japan, (1996)

sundog haiku journal: an australian year
pub. sunfast press 1997 reprinted 1998
California State Library - Main Catalog Call Number : HAIKU S852su 1997

‘Haiku Friends’ ed. Masaharu Hirata Pub., Osaka, Japan, 2003

First Australian Haiku Anthology ISBN 0 9577925 9 X (2003)