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Friday, June 19, 2009


cool hammock view
Venetian wish sways gently
blinks once and is gone

at
Author Archive

3 comments:

Area 17 said...

I love that first line!

What a wonderful poem!!!

May I suggest you add an indefinite article into the second line, and despite my preference for lower case proper nouns, add a capital 'V'? ;-)

cool hammock view
a Venetian wish sways gently
blinks once and is gone

.

June 20, 2009
diana l. said...

Thanks, Alan. I like the "v" better capitalized as well. I think "a" makes the line sound too long -- it already feels long to me...

June 20, 2009
Area 17 said...

I think you can actually lose 'sways' as that is implied in the noun 'hammock' e.g.

cool hammock view
a Venetian wish gently
blinks once and is gone

.

June 21, 2009

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