rainy afternoon
shivers
umbrella girl
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♦ Discussion group (anthology project) The Four Seasons of Haiku on Facebook
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Summer Haiku 2009
A community of haiku poets recording and sharing their experiences of summer, in haiku, tanka, haiga, haibun and senryu. How to join see here...
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♦ Discussion group (anthology project) The Four Seasons of Haiku on Facebook
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6 comments:
Wahyu,I keep playing around with this lovely image on my mind,sort of trying to 'round' it... and it comes up something like this:
rainy afternoon
an umbrella --shivering
in the girl's hand
You can play around with it, I am sure you will come up with lots of surprises.
Thx for the altered version, Beatrice.
I tried to rework this one and came up with some different versions. Unfortunately, I am not so happy with the results, including the original version.
The image is about a girl that makes money by lending her umbrella to anyone in rainy days. She follows her customer wherever they go with the umbrella. The rain is hard, and a couple is using the umbrella. She's cold and shivers, for a small amount of money...
Well, knowing the context changes the perspective now, it is a difficult thing to convey, but keep playing with it, I am sure there is something good there. Your first version brought to me a completely different image, now I see it in another light.
Dear Beatrice,
rainy afternoon
umbrella girl
shivers and cold
What do you think? I can't find perfect replacement for "umbrella girl". We know umbrella girl stands on race track to cover the rider from the sun..
Hi Wahyu, the problem arises because of the 'topicality' of the image, umbrella-girls are not an universal thing, and it is difficult to convey to people who simply don't know that being an 'umbrella girl'is an occupation of sorts. One idea: use a hyphen: umbrella-girl, another idea: think of ways of conveying this as if you were speaking to people who don't speak the same language... it might help.. For example: 'umbrella attendant', 'umbrella -maid', 'umbrella-hire waif' none of this is ideal, but it begins to get clearer..
Thx, Beatrice. You're right, the context is too specific and may confuse the readers. I'll try to work on it again.
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