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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

over fresh green grass
under the cool shade of trees
my four dogs napping


Alan Summers said...

I like the idea of this poem. I think you could tighten it up abit, and make it less 'tell' more 'show'.


green grass
under a cool shade of trees
all the dogs napping

I don't think you need to state the number of dogs and that they are "your" dogs.

By changing and editing you can bring out another layer or two from the poem.


Yansidara said...

i thank you very much for the input alan, and invite you to see the same poem as a haiga in my own blog

Alan Summers said...

Thanks for the invite, and I enjoyed visiting!

I do wonder that if you use a version such as the one I've suggested?

Because your image shows one dog that is sitting up wide awake, and your poem states 'four napping dogs' I wonder if the line 'all the dogs napping' emphasises the humour more in your poem?


Yansidara said...

Not a dog. The Princesa Din Din, a Bombay Cat.

I love your version, I have repeated it in my mind many times, but its not mine.

I will practice your technique of more show, less tell. I really like it, and maybe I will get to master it. Thank you for the visit and feedback, keep it coming.