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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

shift from hell....
deep breath of honeysuckle
soothing taut nerves

evening commute
the slow and scenic route home
to leave work behind

3 comments:

Alan Summers said...

I like both haiku!

The second one resonates more deeply with me.

I don't think you need "and" in the second line.

evening commute
the slow scenic route home
to leave work behind


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Reihaisha said...

Alan,
Thanks for the comment- I had to look at it for a while before inserting the "and". It didn't feel quite right but I am glad that someone else felt the same...

Alan Summers said...

Great minds think alike! ;-)

There's always a tricky balance with word choice in haiku. It's like juggling several plates, or balls, in the air.

Do we leave out certain words, or does that make it look choppy, or like Tontoism, or as I call it 'Dalekspeak', rather than smooth syntax?

Do we get caught up in syllable counting which often goes against good tight writing?

Then there is the perceived 'classic' visual image of a short long short line haiku, and we don't want the middle line looking like it wants to leave the poem entirely! ;-)

Your haiku reminded me of the one I wrote some time ago about a driver in a traffic jam who wants to reconnect with the natural world.


traffic jam
a driver fingers the breeze
through the sunroof



‘The New Haiku’
Snapshot Press, 2002, ISBN 1-903543-03-7

Snapshots 2
April 1998 ISSN 1461-0833

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