LOVE it, David!
Oh, how lovely.
great one Davidjohn
I am in love with it..
I love that first line!But doesn't sunset merely repeat that neat first line, and dilute it a little?Maybe a concrete image to go with the gloriously lyrical image you've given us?Alan
Thanks for these comments. Alan I agree. Perhaps I just drop the word 'sunset'But is the association with sunset strong enough?
I think you should trust that first line.Or another way is maybe 'sunset' is the first line, and the river line the middle line, and a simple concluding line?For me, that first line is so lyrical and perfect that 'sunset' is redundent.You might have to take some time to find an alternate line to 'sunset' but it will be worth it.Alan
Forgive me, Alan, but I like it the way David wrote it. It's one of those I wish I had written.
No worries Nora! ;-)I'm just a big fan of that magical first line which so sublimely states 'sunset' that it almost doesn't need another line, let alone saying 'sunset' again.
Actually, I was literally imagining the word "sunset" being written in gold across the river! (I must be going through a concrete phase or something...)
You never know Diana! ;-)I think it's because the first line has done its job.If 'sunset' was to stay I almost wonder if it shouldn't be the first line?So when we get the 'the river' line we can get lost in that line which never 'closes up' the poem.Just another thought. ;-)Alan
david ... as is i'm there!!!
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