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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

the river writes its name in gold -
sunset

12 comments:

nora said...

LOVE it, David!

diana l. said...

Oh, how lovely.

John McDonald said...

great one David
john

Wandering spirit said...

I am in love with it..

Alan Summers said...

I love that first line!

But doesn't sunset merely repeat that neat first line, and dilute it a little?

Maybe a concrete image to go with the gloriously lyrical image you've given us?

Alan

David said...

Thanks for these comments.

Alan I agree. Perhaps I just drop the word 'sunset'But is the association with sunset strong enough?

Alan Summers said...

I think you should trust that first line.

Or another way is maybe 'sunset' is the first line, and the river line the middle line, and a simple concluding line?

For me, that first line is so lyrical and perfect that 'sunset' is redundent.

You might have to take some time to find an alternate line to 'sunset' but it will be worth it.

Alan

nora said...

Forgive me, Alan, but I like it the way David wrote it. It's one of those I wish I had written.

Alan Summers said...

No worries Nora! ;-)

I'm just a big fan of that magical first line which so sublimely states 'sunset' that it almost doesn't need another line, let alone saying 'sunset' again.

diana l. said...

Actually, I was literally imagining the word "sunset" being written in gold across the river! (I must be going through a concrete phase or something...)

Alan Summers said...

You never know Diana! ;-)

I think it's because the first line has done its job.

If 'sunset' was to stay I almost wonder if it shouldn't be the first line?

So when we get the 'the river' line we can get lost in that line which never 'closes up' the poem.

Just another thought. ;-)

Alan

Laure said...

david ... as is i'm there!!!