Summer Haiku 2009

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

the river writes its name in gold -
sunset

12 comments:

nora said...: LOVE it, David!; July 08, 2009
diana l. said...: Oh, how lovely.; July 08, 2009
John McDonald said...: great one David
john; July 09, 2009
Wahyu W. Basjir said...: I am in love with it..; July 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: I love that first line!

But doesn't sunset merely repeat that neat first line, and dilute it a little?

Maybe a concrete image to go with the gloriously lyrical image you've given us?

Alan; July 09, 2009
David said...: Thanks for these comments.

Alan I agree. Perhaps I just drop the word 'sunset'But is the association with sunset strong enough?; July 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: I think you should trust that first line.

Or another way is maybe 'sunset' is the first line, and the river line the middle line, and a simple concluding line?

For me, that first line is so lyrical and perfect that 'sunset' is redundent.

You might have to take some time to find an alternate line to 'sunset' but it will be worth it.

Alan; July 09, 2009
nora said...: Forgive me, Alan, but I like it the way David wrote it. It's one of those I wish I had written.; July 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: No worries Nora! ;-)

I'm just a big fan of that magical first line which so sublimely states 'sunset' that it almost doesn't need another line, let alone saying 'sunset' again.; July 09, 2009
diana l. said...: Actually, I was literally imagining the word "sunset" being written in gold across the river! (I must be going through a concrete phase or something...); July 09, 2009
Area 17 said...: You never know Diana! ;-)

I think it's because the first line has done its job.

If 'sunset' was to stay I almost wonder if it shouldn't be the first line?

So when we get the 'the river' line we can get lost in that line which never 'closes up' the poem.

Just another thought. ;-)

Alan; July 10, 2009
Laurie A. said...: david ... as is i'm there!!!; July 10, 2009