The first two lines are splendidly onomatopoeic!
I agree, excellent first two lines.The last line has too much anthromorphism.cool rain patterson an up-turned bucket --yellow daisies weep cool rain patterson an up-turned bucket...yellow daisiesyellow daisiesthe cool rain pattersan up-turned bucketpatter [verb]1. rain gently; "It has only sprinkled, but the roads are slick"2. make light, rapid and repeated sounds; "gently pattering rain" all my best,AlanWith Words Online Haiku Competition Results.
Thank you Alan, your version is a great improvement.
Hi Rachel,I think you have the makings of a Chiyo-ni.Are you familiar with her work? She is now recognised as one of the great haiku experts along with Basho, Buson, Issa, and Shiki.Pat Donegan's book has good translations, rather than some bad Victorian-style 'translations'. ;-)Pat Donegan's Chiyo-ni: Woman Haiku Masterall my best,AlanWith Words Online Haiku Competition Results.
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