cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket --
yellow daisies weep
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♦ Discussion group (anthology project) The Four Seasons of Haiku on Facebook
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Summer Haiku 2009
A community of haiku poets recording and sharing their experiences of summer, in haiku, tanka, haiga, haibun and senryu. How to join see here...
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♦ Discussion group (anthology project) The Four Seasons of Haiku on Facebook
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4 comments:
The first two lines are splendidly onomatopoeic!
I agree, excellent first two lines.
The last line has too much anthromorphism.
cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket --
yellow daisies weep
cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket...
yellow daisies
yellow daisies
the cool rain patters
an up-turned bucket
patter [verb]
1. rain gently; "It has only sprinkled, but the roads are slick"
2. make light, rapid and repeated sounds; "gently pattering rain"
all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
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Thank you Alan, your version is a great improvement.
Hi Rachel,
I think you have the makings of a Chiyo-ni.
Are you familiar with her work? She is now recognised as one of the great haiku experts along with Basho, Buson, Issa, and Shiki.
Pat Donegan's book has good translations, rather than some bad Victorian-style 'translations'. ;-)
Pat Donegan's Chiyo-ni: Woman Haiku Master
all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
.
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