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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket --
yellow daisies weep

4 comments:

Dennis Tomlinson said...

The first two lines are splendidly onomatopoeic!

Alan Summers said...

I agree, excellent first two lines.

The last line has too much anthromorphism.

cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket --
yellow daisies weep

cool rain patters
on an up-turned bucket...
yellow daisies

yellow daisies
the cool rain patters
an up-turned bucket


patter [verb]

1. rain gently; "It has only sprinkled, but the roads are slick"

2. make light, rapid and repeated sounds; "gently pattering rain"

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
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Leatherdykeuk said...

Thank you Alan, your version is a great improvement.

Alan Summers said...

Hi Rachel,

I think you have the makings of a Chiyo-ni.

Are you familiar with her work? She is now recognised as one of the great haiku experts along with Basho, Buson, Issa, and Shiki.

Pat Donegan's book has good translations, rather than some bad Victorian-style 'translations'. ;-)

Pat Donegan's Chiyo-ni: Woman Haiku Master

all my best,
Alan
With Words Online Haiku Competition Results
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