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Thursday, July 23, 2009

a red tail held high
in the undergrowth -
a fat cat emerges

the sun reappears
a lonely football
waits in the gutter

6 comments:

Alan Summers said...

I think you could do away with almost of the poem and have it as this...

fat tabby
the sun reappears
in a gutter


.

Dennis Tomlinson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dennis Tomlinson said...

A bold leap, but I composed these as separate poems with different locations and moods(?).

Alan Summers said...

Thanks Dennis, got both messages, so I understand.

I think you have to try and get rid of the inversion in the first example, and the second one needs to have 'lonely' and 'waits' reconsidered.

e.g.


fat cat
its red tail high
in the undergrowth



bust football
the sun reappears
in a gutter



?????
.

Dennis Tomlinson said...

Thanks for your suggestions, Alan. My original versions were a bit wordy for haiku and you have made them punchier. I'd like to alter your verions slightly to:

fat cat
his red tail high
in the undergrowth

abandoned football
the sun reappears
in a gutter

The football was intact but I felt for a moment: on this estate the kids can't even be bothered to play with it!

Alan Summers said...

I much prefer your versions, they're great! ;-)

Alan