I think you could do away with almost of the poem and have it as this...fat tabbythe sun reappearsin a gutter .
A bold leap, but I composed these as separate poems with different locations and moods(?).
Thanks Dennis, got both messages, so I understand.I think you have to try and get rid of the inversion in the first example, and the second one needs to have 'lonely' and 'waits' reconsidered.e.g.fat catits red tail highin the undergrowthbust football the sun reappearsin a gutter?????.
Thanks for your suggestions, Alan. My original versions were a bit wordy for haiku and you have made them punchier. I'd like to alter your verions slightly to:fat cathis red tail highin the undergrowthabandoned footballthe sun reappearsin a gutterThe football was intact but I felt for a moment: on this estate the kids can't even be bothered to play with it!
I much prefer your versions, they're great! ;-)Alan
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