Summer Haiku 2009

Monday, August 3, 2009

the combine
thunders through the barley
a toy lion watches

Area 17 said...: I'm reminded of Matthew Paul's famous haiku:

sweltering zoo:
a boy shows his lion
the real thing

The Regulars by Matthew Paul:
Modern Haiku magazine book review

toy lion
a combine thunders
through the barley

Alan; August 03, 2009
Dennis Tomlinson said...: Thanks for your comments, Alan. It's more effective to put the stronger image second. I was tempted to put in a longer line such as

toy lion in a window

but I couldn't squeeze it all in and it seemed to detract from the combine harvester image.; August 03, 2009
Crafty Green Poet said...: I like this a lot, great image; August 03, 2009
Area 17 said...: I'm a fan of your haiku, and I think you may be right about leaving out toy lion in a window because although it's good it may be too much alongsite combine and barley.

It's also good to have no more than one verb (although there are exceptions).

What a great draft haiku. Please consider submitting your final version to a magazine or competition and let me know how well it does.

Alan; August 03, 2009
jem said...: Good one - it sets the scene and then leaves me with a broad smile.; August 04, 2009
Dennis Tomlinson said...: I've thought about this one and I still prefer your version, Alan!; August 05, 2009
Area 17 said...: Thanks Dennis, your first posted version is great, but I knew it could still be tweaked because of that.

Alan; August 05, 2009