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Wednesday, July 15, 2009














at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks


Photo by r0b1

17 comments:

John McDonald said...

good one david
john

Dennis Tomlinson said...

Yes, a good haiku that gives a sense of the enduring cycles of nature. Is this Richmond Park in London by any chance?

Alan Summers said...

I like it, and ancient goes with oaks doesn't it?

I do feel you can lose that awkward "at" though.

e.g.

at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks


ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster under shadows


ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster shadows


ancient oaks
at midday the deer
gather shadows


.

martin said...

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
at midday

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows

the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks

???????????

David said...

Beautiful responses Martin and Alan

cheers

David

Alan Summers said...

I rather like Martin's two line response which neatly gets rid of that awkward "at":

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows


all my best,

Alan

David said...

Dennis - yes this is Richmond Park - an endles source of inspiration.

martin said...

Forgive me...


at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks

-----

ancient oak shadows gather the deer

David said...

Thank you Martin

since we are still working on this one how about this

. . .

midday shadows gather the deer

martin said...

The original haiku got my attention but I felt needed pruning:

at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks


ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows


ancient oak shadows gather the deer


midday shadows gather the deer


I don’t know; it’s getting dark and cold. Let me huddle with the deer for their warmth and wait until Alan arrives to guide me out of the woods:

1. Naming things
2. Uncharacteristic behavior
3. Awkward syntax
4. Original intent

martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alan Summers said...

David's original poem:

at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks


Alan:

ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster under shadows

ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster shadows

ancient oaks
at midday the deer
gather shadows


Martin's suggestion:

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
at midday

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows

the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks

ancient oak shadows gather the deer

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows


midday shadows gather the deer


This has been fascinating and I hope David bears with the two of us! ;-)

But if Basho spent years editing his greatest work Narrow Road to the Far North, then it behoves us to look at the editing process from time to time.

My favourite suggestions from martin:

ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows

the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks

ancient oak shadows gather the deer


midday shadows gather the deer


The method of telling the truth as if it's a lie can be an effective technique.

There is something mythical about oaks, and also deer of course, and I feel martin is drawing this out further from David's resonant poem.

What do others think? A topic for fascinating discussion?

Alan

martin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
martin said...

David suggested

midday shadows gather the deer

and while that is economical and saying less is more I do think ancient oak clicks for me, naming things I feel is important. My suggestion on the other hand,

the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks

Or

ancient oak shadows gather the deer

seem wordy or awkwardly written. My suggestion, I feel, should be as close as possible to the original poem and that’s why I agree with Alan’s previous comment that the two-line attempt comes close to me as a clear experience of the mystery between the deer and the oak.


ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows

ancient oaks
shadows gather the deer

But then again…

What do you think?

David said...

Martin

I like

ancient oaks
shadows gather the deer

very much

David

David said...

i also like Alan's

midday shadows gather the deer

or is that mine??

Alan please tell me more about the truth as lies

martin said...

I thought - midday shadows gather the deer - was yours.

I first saw the quote “tell about the truth as if it were false” in a now closed e-journal called Haijinx. The article is still up on the net. Since I beat Alan to it, hears the article:

http://web.archive.org/web/20031009113930/http://www.haijinx.com/II-1/articles/gallagher.html