good one davidjohn
Yes, a good haiku that gives a sense of the enduring cycles of nature. Is this Richmond Park in London by any chance?
I like it, and ancient goes with oaks doesn't it?I do feel you can lose that awkward "at" though.e.g.at midday the deercluster under the shadowsof ancient oaksancient oaksat midday the deercluster under shadowsancient oaksat midday the deercluster shadowsancient oaksat midday the deergather shadows.
ancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsat middayancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsthe deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks???????????
Beautiful responses Martin and AlancheersDavid
I rather like Martin's two line response which neatly gets rid of that awkward "at":ancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsall my best,Alan
Dennis - yes this is Richmond Park - an endles source of inspiration.
Forgive me...at midday the deer cluster under the shadowsof ancient oaks-----ancient oak shadows gather the deer
Thank you Martinsince we are still working on this one how about this. . .midday shadows gather the deer
The original haiku got my attention but I felt needed pruning:at midday the deer cluster under the shadowsof ancient oaksancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsancient oak shadows gather the deermidday shadows gather the deerI don’t know; it’s getting dark and cold. Let me huddle with the deer for their warmth and wait until Alan arrives to guide me out of the woods:1. Naming things2. Uncharacteristic behavior3. Awkward syntax4. Original intent
David's original poem:at midday the deercluster under the shadowsof ancient oaksAlan:ancient oaksat midday the deercluster under shadowsancient oaksat midday the deercluster shadowsancient oaksat midday the deergather shadowsMartin's suggestion:ancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsat middayancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsthe deer gather the shadows of ancient oaksancient oak shadows gather the deerancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsmidday shadows gather the deerThis has been fascinating and I hope David bears with the two of us! ;-)But if Basho spent years editing his greatest work Narrow Road to the Far North, then it behoves us to look at the editing process from time to time.My favourite suggestions from martin:ancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsthe deer gather the shadows of ancient oaksancient oak shadows gather the deermidday shadows gather the deerThe method of telling the truth as if it's a lie can be an effective technique. There is something mythical about oaks, and also deer of course, and I feel martin is drawing this out further from David's resonant poem.What do others think? A topic for fascinating discussion?Alan
David suggested midday shadows gather the deer and while that is economical and saying less is more I do think ancient oak clicks for me, naming things I feel is important. My suggestion on the other hand, the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks Or ancient oak shadows gather the deer seem wordy or awkwardly written. My suggestion, I feel, should be as close as possible to the original poem and that’s why I agree with Alan’s previous comment that the two-line attempt comes close to me as a clear experience of the mystery between the deer and the oak. ancient oaksthe deer gather shadowsancient oaksshadows gather the deerBut then again…What do you think?
MartinI like ancient oaksshadows gather the deervery muchDavid
i also like Alan'smidday shadows gather the deeror is that mine??Alan please tell me more about the truth as lies
I thought - midday shadows gather the deer - was yours. I first saw the quote “tell about the truth as if it were false” in a now closed e-journal called Haijinx. The article is still up on the net. Since I beat Alan to it, hears the article:http://web.archive.org/web/20031009113930/http://www.haijinx.com/II-1/articles/gallagher.html
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