at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks
Photo by r0b1
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17 comments:
good one david
john
Yes, a good haiku that gives a sense of the enduring cycles of nature. Is this Richmond Park in London by any chance?
I like it, and ancient goes with oaks doesn't it?
I do feel you can lose that awkward "at" though.
e.g.
at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster under shadows
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster shadows
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
gather shadows
.
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
at midday
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks
???????????
Beautiful responses Martin and Alan
cheers
David
I rather like Martin's two line response which neatly gets rid of that awkward "at":
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
all my best,
Alan
Dennis - yes this is Richmond Park - an endles source of inspiration.
Forgive me...
at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks
-----
ancient oak shadows gather the deer
Thank you Martin
since we are still working on this one how about this
. . .
midday shadows gather the deer
The original haiku got my attention but I felt needed pruning:
at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
ancient oak shadows gather the deer
midday shadows gather the deer
I don’t know; it’s getting dark and cold. Let me huddle with the deer for their warmth and wait until Alan arrives to guide me out of the woods:
1. Naming things
2. Uncharacteristic behavior
3. Awkward syntax
4. Original intent
David's original poem:
at midday the deer
cluster under the shadows
of ancient oaks
Alan:
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster under shadows
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
cluster shadows
ancient oaks
at midday the deer
gather shadows
Martin's suggestion:
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
at midday
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks
ancient oak shadows gather the deer
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
midday shadows gather the deer
This has been fascinating and I hope David bears with the two of us! ;-)
But if Basho spent years editing his greatest work Narrow Road to the Far North, then it behoves us to look at the editing process from time to time.
My favourite suggestions from martin:
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks
ancient oak shadows gather the deer
midday shadows gather the deer
The method of telling the truth as if it's a lie can be an effective technique.
There is something mythical about oaks, and also deer of course, and I feel martin is drawing this out further from David's resonant poem.
What do others think? A topic for fascinating discussion?
Alan
David suggested
midday shadows gather the deer
and while that is economical and saying less is more I do think ancient oak clicks for me, naming things I feel is important. My suggestion on the other hand,
the deer gather the shadows of ancient oaks
Or
ancient oak shadows gather the deer
seem wordy or awkwardly written. My suggestion, I feel, should be as close as possible to the original poem and that’s why I agree with Alan’s previous comment that the two-line attempt comes close to me as a clear experience of the mystery between the deer and the oak.
ancient oaks
the deer gather shadows
ancient oaks
shadows gather the deer
But then again…
What do you think?
Martin
I like
ancient oaks
shadows gather the deer
very much
David
i also like Alan's
midday shadows gather the deer
or is that mine??
Alan please tell me more about the truth as lies
I thought - midday shadows gather the deer - was yours.
I first saw the quote “tell about the truth as if it were false” in a now closed e-journal called Haijinx. The article is still up on the net. Since I beat Alan to it, hears the article:
http://web.archive.org/web/20031009113930/http://www.haijinx.com/II-1/articles/gallagher.html
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